This Is Too Funny!

I don't know what is better..... the reference he makes to his sex life with Britney or the expressions he makes after he says it!

63 things you are DYING to know

1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection?
I have every Britney Spears Cd, even singles only sold overseas, except her latest release


2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
anything and everything chocolate is a target!


3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
Untamed Heart and E.T.


4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
A few things reduced!!!!!


5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
I wouldn't say COMPLETELY.......


6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
I get recluse


7. Are you a pyromaniac?
fire! fire! fire! I'm sorry, can you repeat the question? ARACKA!


8. Do you have too many love interests?
well sure! I love Italian food, nature walks, horror movies....


9. Do you know anyone famous?
Yep, a few actually


10. Describe your bed:
Square, horizontal, mostly flat, and low mileage :(


11. Are you spontaneous or planned?
I just answered this question AFTER answering number 12! bet you weren't expecting THAT!


12. Who would play you in a movie?
someone who would obviously be way underpaid for the role


13. Do you know how to play poker?
not really but I'm ok at winning :)



14. What do you carry with you at all times?
Coozy!


15. What do you miss most about being a kid?
Nothing; I only miss my senior year in high school


16. Are you happy with your given name?
For the most part


17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
not possible


18. What color is your bedroom?
walls, white.... bed, blue... taste the rainbow, biatch!


19. What was the last song you were listening to?
Chris Brown Ain't No Body Get Her But Me


20. Have you ever been in a play?
Yeah, role-play counts right?


21. Have you ever been in love?
Yeah


22. Do you talk a lot?
Most of the time, yep


23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
90% of the time I do


24. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
Annoy is a strong word


25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
most of the time unless the bitch is requested


27. What is your ideal marriage location?
in fantasy land (NEVER AGAIN!)


28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Violin; I would love to play that!


29. Favorite fabric?
cashmere


30. Something you love and hate?
Surveys


31. What kind of bedding do you use?
ok, wtf?


33. What's the one language you want to learn?
I wish I was fluent in French


34. How do you eat an apple?
One bite at a time. Who the HELL thought of these questions?!?!?!




36. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
I have had them pierced but not by me


37. Do you have tattoos?
Yeah


38. Do you drive a stick?
Not currently


39. Favorite trait of the opposite sex?
that they are the opposite


40. What's one trait you hate in a person?
FAKE PEOPLE!!!


41. What kind of watch do you wear?
Wittnauer


42. Most frivolous purchase?
My Boa Constrictor, Lestat


43. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
Not at all. In fact, that's absolutely funny if you know me!


44. What are you best at cooking?
boiled water


45. Favorite writing instrument?
pens


46. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Stand out


47. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Well being a woman it's easy to pull that off


48. What's one car you will never buy?
Chevy!!!!!!


49. What kind of books do you like to read?
Fantasy/ Fiction


50. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
I hear that tends to result in receiving a lot of money but I wouldn't know for sure


51. Burial or cremation?
Cremation


52. How many online journals do you read regularly?
only about 2 or 3


53. What's one thing you're a loser at?
Offering sympathy to the idiotic


54. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
With my middle finger wave


55. Do you cry in front of your friends?
Only a very select few


56. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
She's crazy but confident and strong


57. What's one thing you like to do alone?
Go potty



58. Are you a giver or a taker?
I guess I'm more of a giver because when I help someone I never ask nor expect anything in return


59. When's the last time you cried?
Yesterday while talking to my son about his friend who just passed away


60. Favorite communication method?
words


61. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
I don't drink so prolly one


62. Do you think you're cute?
I think I am fanfuckingtastic!


63. Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
depends on how ridiculous the outfit is

INSANE

Ok, I have been single for a long time now but if I become THIS kind of cat lady, please shoot me!

HILARIOUS!

Too Damn Funny

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said.....

"A pumpkin? ..... Shit...is it midnight already?"

Time To Make Products Idiot-Proof

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).


On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?


On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)


On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On T-Rat (Military food) : Its not for Human Consumption, Animals and Military Use only.... (Umnn yeah... isn't military is also human)

Too Funny

I just had to share.... Thanks Chris for the link :)

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

YES!!!!!!! This is the best day EVER!!!!!!!!!!

Alanis Morissette & Ryan Reynolds Split
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Alanis Morissette and Ryan Reynolds have split up.
The couple has been engaged for four years.
They split up in June but got back together a few weeks later.
Morissette and Reynold’s representatives issues a statement:
"Ryan Reynolds and Alanis Morissette have mutually decided to end their engagement. They remain close friends and continue to have the utmost love and admiration for each other. They ask that their privacy be respected surrounding this personal matter."
Reynolds, 30, and Morissette, 32, met in 2002, dated for two years, and got engaged in 2004.




Wooooooooooo hooooooooooo! Come to Momma....... I'll make you feel ALL better!

D.A.O.T.D. (Darwin Award Of The Day)

Today I nominate this idiot.

Police: Man Shoots Self In Groin During Kidnap Attempt

POSTED: 11:09 am CST November 16, 2006

WICHITA, Kan. -- Wichita police said a botched kidnapping ended with one of the assailants shooting himself in the groin.


The man had just stuck the gun back into his waistband when it fired, shooting him in the left testicle. He cringed, causing the gun to fire again and strike him in the left calf.


When the shooting ended, police said, the 23-year-old man managed to walk himself into the hospital for treatment. He and his two accomplices -- ages 18 and 20 -- were arrested on suspicion of aggravated attempted kidnapping and conspiracy to obstruct justice.

Police said the men were attempting to kidnap a teenager in a dispute over stereo speakers.

Some Texas Humor.....

> The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an
>invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
> He called her into office and said, 'You graduated from University
>of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus
>14%, how much would you take off?"
> "Everything but my earrings."
>
> (You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)
>
>====================================================== = =
>
> A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
>for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering

>under the weight of an 8-point buck.
> "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
> "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up
>the trail," the successful hunter replied.
> "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
>inquired.
>"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
>steal Henry!"
>
>========================================================
>
> A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was overheard saying,
>"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma."
> When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years
>later than in the rest of the civilized world.
>
>========================================== == ============
>
> The young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy,
>"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
> Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
> The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
>number."
>
>========================================================
>
>NEWS FLASH! -
>
> Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna 150
>plane, piloted by 2 Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station

>cemetery earlier today.
> Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and
>expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
> The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery
> efforts.
>
>========================================================
>
> A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklah oma pickup on I-35.
> The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
> The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"
>
>========================================================
>
> A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and
>proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
behind it.
> Then he got back in the car to wait.
> A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
>turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
> The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
> The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
> The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put
>flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it
either.
>
>=======================================================
>
> A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer
>
> "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on
>his upturned face, "Without You, we are but dust "
> He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very obedient
>little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to
>her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
>"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
>
> (Church was pretty much over at that point)

TOO funny!

this is great!