Pics Are In

Here are the pictures of the new jeans :) This is one of my fav pairs.

Incredible Shrinking ME!

Yesterday a friend of mine brought over some blue jeans that a friend of hers wants to sell. Turns out that her 14 year old twin daughters can no longer fit into these jeans and they all look practically new! It was an ego-boost when I put each pair on and they fit me perfectly but when I looked inside and saw the size, I screamed. I can't believe that for the first time since junior high I am now able to wear size 3/4 blue jeans :) I am wearing a pair today that I really like and I will take some pictures and post them this afternoon. YAY!

Disappearing Act

I know it's been ages since I last posted but I promise to get everyone caught up on the Ford-Collins' family current events. Also, lately my artistic/creative bug has been biting me heavily so I think I am going to start posting some art and poetry by me. Soon to come! Muah!

Dee

Important Weekend

I would like to note that this past weekend I celebrated my birthday. No, not my "bellybutton" birthday.... my "new life" birthday. March 1st 2005 was the day that my life changed forever and for the better. It was also the beginning of the two hardest weeks of my life. It signifies the day I decided I wanted to live and stop killing myself. Because of where I was at that point in time, I literally has to fight for my life. Each day was such a struggle but slowly the days got easier.

I know that I can easily end up right back where I was; dying. Every day I must continue the fight. I am so blessed that I have such amazing people in my life, including some people who at the time were awesome and supportive. It was an absolute amazing night to walk up in front of my support group and have about 30 people line up to hug me. Some of these people know me, others didn't. It didn't matter though because we all fight the same exact fight; the fight to live. The emotions I felt were overwhelming.

I will never forget those who were there for me, who continue to support me, and those that have fought this fight WITH me. I want to dedicate this song to my awesome support group, loving family, and my wonderful friends :) I can't thank you all enough for what you have given me!

A Journey Of 100 Miles Begins With The First Step

What a bitter-sweet path I have chosen. So many things I have known for some time yet I am just now applying them to my way of life. I am persistent though, I have set my goal (attainable as well) and nothing is going to stop me from achieving it. In fact, I've never wanted anything more before in my life. It's exciting, yet scary as hell. It's euphoric, yet excruciating all at once. I have already hung up the line out in public for everyone to see, including loved ones, friends, and acquaintances. One by one I bring out a dirty defect and hang it up. For some it hurts to see their pain as they watch. However there is no other way to truthfully, completely make it to my destination. As long as they are in my heart stinking up the place, I can't take that next step. Each step I do take is a blessing and the feeling of relief is indescribable. Some will forgive; some will not. Some ARE the dirty defaults which will be left behind. It's time to let go. With each clothes pin I place I can feel the strength build inside of me. For those I hurt, I have no right to ask for forgiveness. I am blessed if I receive it but the only forgiveness I have the right to ask for is my own. Life is about risks. Sometimes those risks are just about living on the wild side..... sometimes risks are simply allowing yourself to be human.

Looking At The Whole Picture

One thing I've always prided myself in is being totally and completely honest with people. There have been times where I've been so honest that it has hurt others. I don't like to hurt others; in fact it is a strong spiritual belief of mine that I do what I can to NOT harm another. This has recently placed me in a "rock and a hard place" only to backfire. I recently began talking to someone over the internet and much against my character, I agreed to meet him in person. I admit I have met some great people from the internet and some of my closest friends have become a direct result of the internet. But when it comes to dating or meeting someone to potentially date, I have only met someone off the internet a total of 3 times in my entire life. While I remain in contact with one of them and a wonderful friendship developed from it, I have had horrible experiences with the others. This does not give great odds. Ever since I developed a strong sense of who I am and what I do and do not deserve over this past year, I have prided myself with the great choices I have made for myself and my kids. I recently did just the opposite.

I not only agreed to meet someone in person from the internet, I was not 100% honest. I did a typical woman move and sent hints instead of being blunt. While I thought there had been a strong connection during conversations online, there was nothing once in person. Not even a spark. Maybe if there was a touch, I would feel SOMETHING; but nothing. Again I was in a place where I wanted to spare his feelings instead of hurting him. Hell, he was nervous as it was. He showed interest in me and made physical advances however I did nothing to reciprocate. At one point there was even a conversation about what the status of things were and I directly said I wasn't looking for a relationship however that didn't seem to register on his end either. I did something I am not proud of and I did out-right lie at one point. It was brought up that I had not kissed him which I covered my lack of interest with a simple "but I'm sick and I don't want to get you sick". In reality I am getting over being sick but I haven't been contagious for over a week.


Once the night ended I had no desire to pursue anything of a relationship nature with him but I didn't want to assume that he did either so again I said nothing instead. Before we had agreed to meet the other night, we had originally made plans to get together tomorrow night. After meeting the other night instead, I was not sure if the plans were still to meet on Friday. At one point I remembered I had given a book to him I thought he could use more than me. I noticed he had forgotten the book and I asked him through a text message that if he still wanted the book that I would send it to him. Again our plans had not been confirmed for Friday evening. In fact once I sent this text to him (again pulling a "woman" move in hopes that he would pick up on the hint)I didn't believe the Friday plans to still be legit and I decided to make other plans.

Today he sent me a text message. While impersonal, I still did not respond. "Maybe NOW he will for sure know I am not romantically interested in him" I thought. I couldn't have been more wrong. While I regretfully allowed things to go farther than they should have (again out of fear of hurting him after he seemed so nervous and vulnerable), it must have tainted his vision from seeing or catching the physical and verbal hints I sent his direction and instead sent the total opposite message.

Out of the blue I am sent a message that he doesn't want anything romantic with me, wanted to cancel our plans for tomorrow night, and hoped we could still be friends. At first, I was greatly relieved. Then it hit me that he had thought that the Friday plans were still on AND he was canceling by e-mail? While I had no intent on seeing him tomorrow night, I was blown away that there are men out there that have yet to develop the self-worth and pride to CALL a woman and cancel plans (it's the principal that certain men still seem to lack). I can assure that if I thought he still had any idea that I wanted anything more of a romantic nature with him then a much more direct approach (while not unkind) would have taken place. I truly believed he was picking up on my hints and lack of communication and strong lack of physical reciprocation during our meet. I was floored to see that he in fact had believed the exact opposite was true. In turn it showed another side of him and frankly, it pissed me off which I reacted on.

The whole situation was unfortunate but I have learned a valuable lesson. I must find a way to clearly communicate with a man when there is in fact no spark or desire to try to form a connection when there is no foundation to build one on. A strong and most powerful lesson to start off my year! I am blessed that this character flaw has been brought forth so that I can now make the necessary personal changes to avoid this again in the future. I didn't realize that by not outright telling him I didn't want to see him romantically, he was given the exact projection and thought I wanted nothing more than to BE romantically involved.

Wow, so many events today have taught me what lies behind the curtains of some others that have crossed my path, both new and old. These are things I will focus on to prevent. As I've said before..... I have no regrets as the paths I have chosen in life, while some unpaved and painful, make me the stronger person I am now and will become. I no longer fear change but now I seek it. The Goddess is bringing forth the lessons I need to see what I need to work on the most. Personal growth is my 2008 resolution and I am glad to see I am already heading in the right direction.